What do you mean I had a miscarriage?

Reconnecting with God after child loss

The feeling of seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test laying on your bathroom counter is indescribable. This feeling is amplified when you have gone your whole life feeling like your purpose is to become a mom and your longing and prayers have been fulfilled and answered. You begin immediately thinking about how you plan on telling your spouse (if they aren't already standing beside you waiting for those lines to show up). You start to think about how you can announce your pregnancy to your closest family and friends with some fun seasonal theme and you try to calculate your due date all within the first few minutes of finding out you're pregnant.

Immediately you're connected, your growing something; the most precious something that a person can be blessed with. You start to imagine who they are, what colour their eyes will be and hoping that they will have all ten fingers and toes. When you find out you're expecting, you start to plan for a long beautiful life with your child and may start reading parenting books about how to break generational traumas. You prepare yourself to be the best parent you can be and even pull up baby clothing websites to see what gender neutral clothes you can buy while waiting to find out the gender.

Everything Was Going Well.... Until It Wasn't

Every two days I had to get BHCG blood tests to confirm my levels were doubling and they were. I remember getting a message from my fertility clinic stating "The doctor on call is very happy with the trend of your BHCG levels and we will schedule an ultrasound in the next couple of weeks, congratulations."

Two days later, my phone rang ..... " I am sorry to tell you this, but your levels have dropped; we need you to repeat your bloodwork to confirm that your having a miscarriage, you should try and prepare yourself."

What do you mean I'm having a miscarriage....

A million thoughts flooded my head, immediately I felt like I was treading water on the roughest sea; just trying to find shore... but it wasn't anywhere in site. The next phone call I made was to my husband at work notifying him of the earth crashing news I was just delivered. In retrospect I probably should have waited to tell him in person when he was at home to allow him time to process but I just couldn't; I couldn't wait; this felt urgent and immanent, and I needed him in that moment to figure out with me how to fix this thing that was happening to us, because we simply wouldn't just sit back and let this play out... No, there must've been something that we could do. In complete desperation, I drove myself to the hospital where my husband was meeting me and got myself triaged. When they asked me why I had come in, the first thing that came out of my mouth was "I was told that I am having a miscarriage and I need to stop it, that's why I am here". With tears running down my cheeks, pleading with the triage nurse that me losing my baby was much more serious then the man sat in the waiting room with his thumb almost cut off. Thinking to myself, "I had a life in me that needed saving and this was where you went to be saved..... right?".

Unfortunately that was not the case, I was told that once the process starts of your HCG dropping, there's no saving anything; your placenta has stopped developing and now comes the wave of emotions, absolute shock and trying to soak up every minute of time that you can with your baby while they are still physically with you. I laid in bed singing "You Are My Sunshine" on repeat. I held my belly and spoke to my baby about how much I loved them and how they now are in the arms of Jesus; I promised that I would see them again one day and to be ready for me. Everything felt like it went dark, like I was just going through the motions but nothing felt like reality; a weird sense of peace following heartbreak, so many emotions and feelings to try and process while trying to navigate the physical toll that a miscarriage takes on your body, all of it absolutely exhausting... spiritually, emotionally and physically drained.

One thing that was consistent throughout my mind from first finding out I was pregnant to finding out I was having a miscarriage was the phrase "Your will, not mine." I know for a fact that God knows my deep desires to become a mother and if love was enough to keep my child here, then nothing bad could ever happen to them; but love just isn't enough. This came down to what was supposed to happen, not what we wanted to happen; and for some reason I felt so much peace around that. It still hurts but I truly feel that if my child couldn't end up in our arms, I cant think of anyone better to nurture our child then the Lord.

"I cant believe you showed up to church"

The sentence I heard from my friend who knew the unfortunate news while we were standing between the pews following the Sunday service. This, even though well intended was meant to show my strength but made me question if I should have been upset with God. I thought about this a lot, and my conclusion was it was okay that I wasn't upset with him; my heart ached and felt a sense of longing for this life that I didn't get to meet but I wasn't upset that God made this decision. I think ultimately it comes down to your faith, do you believe that God has your best interest at heart and has plans for you or not? I know it sounds very harsh that way but this feels like my truth. I don't feel at this point that God needs to prove himself to me that he is there. I know he is and he proves that time and time again without me asking. All of that to say, this is the way that I am dealing with this loss. My friend who spoke to me in church has also experienced great loss, and is on her own journey with the Lord seeking answers and comfort; we are dealing with our loss differently and that is okay, there isn't a play book on how you should react when you find out your baby has passed away.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve 

People try and tell you how you should feel or grieve, they ask you things like "Are you planning on naming your baby? Are you going to celebrate their life? What is next for you? You should really tell.......... for extra support."

I think what's important to remember when your being offered unwanted or unsolicited advice is to provide them with grace. No one knows how to comfort someone going through loss, even if they have experienced loss themselves and that is because everyone is different. What works for one person, will not work for another and that is okay, the only person that can truly heal someone from loss is God;

He is the only one that can provide true peace and comfort around something of this magnitude and having to be vulnerable, "weak" and surrendering yourself completely to him is hard; but for me necessary.

Feel your feelings but don't drown in them

I think it is so important to allow yourself to feel terrible, you need to process and to understand what is happening to you or someone you love. Sit there for a while and even if you feel like you cant work through it; sometimes just being emersed in it and taking things minute by minute is getting through it.

It's important that you keep treading water, like my sea analogy earlier; I was looking for land and it was nowhere in site. But, day by day I seemed to drift closer into it until I there it was. God never left my side throughout this experience, now that doesn't mean that it wasn't hard but the peace he brought me was healing and felt all encompassing.

Where do I go from here?

If your going through something similar here is a few things you could try.

• Confiding in people you fully trust, who you know only have your best interest at heart and complete love for you. These are the people that are going to physically walk alongside you and provide you with physical comfort.

  
  

• Praying, spending intentional time with the Lord and tell him how you truly feel; he can handle it. Tell him how he can comfort you.

• Give yourself grace.

• Go to counselling if needed or reach out to support groups at your church if they are offered.

  
  

• Take time for yourself and your partner to connect, go on a date, grieve together; remember that you are going through this together and you are not alone.

• Allow yourself to be vulnerable, especially with your partner; you don't need to try and be strong, you can build each other up as you heal together.

Lets Pray

Heavenly Father, the loss of a child bears unimaginable weight. This weight Lord we ask you to lift and to provide us with a sense of peace and comfort knowing that our child is in your arms. Lord allow us to extend grace to others who try to help in their own ways and allow us to receive grace from others as we go through this process. God it is said that you knew us before we were formed in the womb and you set us apart, you know the desires of our heart and are a God of bountiful blessings. Lord we ask that you have full control over our life and that your will be done over ours as you know best and you see the big picture.

Amen